Sports Hate 2010 Edition

Sports Hate
- verb
"An underrated part of fandom. Everyone has guys they don't like, and more importantly, guys they enjoy not liking. The reasons are unique to us. There doesn't have to be anything rational about it. Sports hate can be triggered by one incident, one slight, one game gone wrong, anything."

- Bill Simmons


As optimistic as I am about this season, I know that the Jays probably won't be hosting any games in October. Of course, that doesn't mean that I will stop watching baseball. I've prepared for a postseason without the Blue Jays by compiling a ranking of all the teams in ascending order of my hatred for them.

To begin, I've divided the teams into two categories.

Group A: The Toronto Blue Jays
Group B: Not The Toronto Blue Jays

Now, I have to pick from Group B. I'm grading my hatred based on these criteria:
a) Rivalry with the Blue Jays (are you one of the Jays' rivals? Then I probably hate you)
b) Jealousy (have you won a World Series lately? Then I probably hate you)
c) Payroll (do you spend three times as much money on players as the Blue Jays? Then I probably hate you)
d) Douche-Bag Players (do you have a player on your team that's a douche-bag? Then I probably hate you)
e) Do you have a reason for me not to hate you?

Here's the list:

1. Toronto Blue Jays

2. Montreal Expos (awarded posthumously)

3. Los Angeles Dodgers
My grandfather is a Dodgers fan from when they were in Brooklyn (some people are really old). He took me to Dodgers Stadium when I was young and ever since I've been very sympathetic. I don't hate you.

4. Philadelphia Phillies
Normally, these guys would be near the bottom of the list (does anyone remember a little series called the 1993 World Series?Also, see criterion b) ). However, we're all honorary Phillies fans now. Go Roy!

5. Seattle Mariners
Ken Griffey Jr. (also he was the only player not juicing in my lifetime)

6. New York Mets
Every time I meet someone from New York I always assume the worst: Yankees fan (see bottom of the list). I'm always pleasantly surprised if they say they're a Mets fan. You could have made the easy choice, but you chose to be masochistic. For that you're number six.

7. Pittsburgh Pirates
Having their mediocrity in the league is like having a little brother that's a drug addict. Thanks Pittsburgh.

8. Los Angeles Angels
Anyone remember "Angels in the Outfield"? I do, and I love that movie. If Tony Danza were still their number one pitcher they'd move up a few spots. Unfortunately, he's not. And Matthew McConaughey is not their center fielder.

9. Cleveland Indians
Watched a lot of the Drew Carey Show when I was young. Of course, he was wrong: Cleveland does not rock. Cleveland doesn't even sway with grace. Ninth place for effort (plus cool but slightly racist logo).

10. Minnesota Twins
Justin Morneau... Joe Mauer is cool, I guess. Jack Morris... he played for us... we like him, right? Also, we're going to be glad we have the Rogers Centre when we see Twins fans sitting outside at their new outdoor stadium in early April.

11. Cincinnati Reds
I really don't like you very much but you have Joey Votto. Someone has to be ranked number eleven.

12. Kansas City Royals
Kaufmann Stadium is really beautiful. I can't think of anything else positive to say about you.

13. Milwaukee Brewers
Love the old cap logo and you're named after beer: I couldn't rank you in the bottom half. I spent 2007 hoping that one day Prince Fielder would follow his father and become a Blue Jay. Unfortunately, he hates his father.

14. Chicago Cubs
101 years and counting. Every time a Leafs fan thinks about throwing himself off a bridge, he should remind himself that it can get worse.

15. Texas Rangers
Pretty much indifferent.

16. San Diego Padres
Ditto.

17. Florida Marlins
2003 World Series Champions. I really can't rank a team that won the World Series in the 2000's in the top half. Unless they have Roy Halladay, or they have a Disney movie. Sorry Florida.

18. Colorado Rockies
Your stadium is a joke. Probably the reason ballpark-adjusted stats were invented. Troy Tulowitzki? Nah, give me Ricky Romero.

19. Arizona Diamondbacks
They won a World Series in the 2000's. See criterion b).

20. Detroit Tigers
Geographic proximity: corollary of criterion a). Also used to be a great AL East rival before the creation of the wildcard. Johnny Damon adds some criterion d) consideration.

21. Baltimore
AL East Rival (criterion a) )... you're lucky to be as high as twenty-one. Some credit for being the only team in the league that is in the same boat as the Jays. That doesn't mean I don't want to throw you out of the boat and watch you sink though.

22. St. Louis Cardinals
2006 World Series Champions.

23. Chicago White Sox
Instead of watching Superman, I used to watch the 1993 ALCS tapes when I was young. The White Sox are my Lex Luther.

24. Atlanta Braves
Some love for Bobby Cox. None for Eric Hinske (see criterion d) ). Maybe that's a little unfair to Hinske, but I just love to sports hate him. I watched the 1992 World Series tapes even more than I watched the 1993 ALCS tapes so I can't possibly rank the Braves above the White Sox.

25. Houston Astros
Any team that had Roger Clemens (besides the Blue Jays of course) has some lingering stink on them. Clemens is definitely top-three in all-time criterion d) players.

26. Oakland Athletics
1989 and 1992 ALCS (definitely historical criterion a) ). Eckersley said this about giving up the home run to Roberto Alomar:

"That's the one that hurts the most. I got in the car with my wife afterward and cried like a baby. I hadn't cried that way since I was in Little League. Sometimes the most wonderful thing about this game is that it stunts your growth."

Catch de taste of defeat.

27. San Francisco Giants
I actually like the Dodgers enough to dislike their fiercest rival. Add Barry Bonds residue and you've got number 27.

28. Washington Nationals
I hate you because I wish you were never born.

29. Tampa Bay Rays
You were much easier to like when you sucked.

30. New York Yankees
Criterion a)
Criterion b)
Criterion c)
Criterion d)

31. Boston Red Sox
They have all of the Yankees' flaws. Plus:

- JONATHAN PAPELBON
- FEVER PITCH (even Bill Simmons hates this movie and he's a Red Sox fan)
- A ballpark that gives them a crazy advantage (note: the Yankees score high in this category as well)
- Obnoxious fans